Thursday, October 27, 2016

upright but very wobbly and probably not upright for very long just dropping in to say hi and this

Saturday, October 22, 2016


honestly I'm terrified that I'm going to die before I get out of this hellmouth house
O Darklings
today is my father's birthday I  miss him but I missed him my entire life and I never really knew him at all not at all not one bit he did not have the time or sobriety for the likes of me and I was terrified of him because I never did not once know him not really though I adored him

that photo up top is Mount Baker from my island yesterday I got in my car and drove to Summer's End and I felt so right driving there driving around the island my entire being felt right I looked at my house then drove around and found the bakery and coffee roaster and the place where you can take your dead meat (all one place) to get it chopped and wrapped up and whatever else happens to dead animals I talked to a young girl working there and she said the place is a hub for the island where everyone gathers there is an upstairs there a little cafe a good place for a poetry reading and I found the library which is surprisingly large and new and well appointed and lovely and I found two lakes in which I can swim then I went to the big grocery store and it was clean and well lit with fairly good produce and a Starbucks

I am exhausted with packing books especially which are heavy and my back oh poor back and the constant but necessary mess yesterday early I watched Father Knows Best and it was my very favorite episode (I started watching it last year on one of the ghost channels early early pre-dawn early) in this episode Margaret gets pissed off at everyone expecting her to be WIFE AND MOTHER and how down trodden she feels how used and caged so she goes to Orlean Street strangely a purely French street in imaginary Springfield where she buys a fanciful hat eats a delicious meal then has her portrait drawn then she gets home late where her family is freaking the fuck out because apparently no one knows how to open a can of goddamn beans and they're starving and angry with her and this is why I never ever liked being married

I voted this morning I've been anxiously awaiting the arrival of my ballot and in a while I will drive it to the post office that isn't in my neighborhood because our post office sucks so that is done and done and I am all over all of it

my pancreatitis is kicking up and it is definitely stress related as my ulcers have been screaming at me for a couple weeks I took my last zofran this morning to avoid the womit no packing for me today I need a break I'm in bed with Little Bear who is under the covers as I shiver and we're watching The Monkees on yet another ghost channel

Saturday marches on

39 days
39 days
39 days

Hi from Little Bear my beauty

Thursday, October 20, 2016

RIP Brigit Pegeen Kelly

The Dragon

The bees came out of the junipers, two small swarms
The size of melons; and golden, too like melons,
They hung next to each other, at the height of a deer’s breast
Above the wet black compost. And because
The light was very bright it was hard to see them,
And harder still to see what hung between them.
A snake hung between them. The bees held up a snake,
Lifting each side of his narrow neck, just below
The pointed head, and in this way, very slowly
They carried the snake through the garden,
The snake’s long body hanging down, its tail dragging
The ground, as if the creature were a criminal
Being escorted to execution or a child king
To the throne. I kept thinking the snake
Might be a hose, held by two ghostly hands,
But the snake was a snake, his body green as the grass
His tail divided, his skin oiled, the way the male member
Is oiled by the female’s juices, the greenness overbright,
The bees gold, the winged serpent moving silently
Through the air. There was something deadly in it,
Or already dead. Something beyond the report
Of  beauty. I laid my face against my arm, and there
It stayed for the length of time it takes two swarms
Of bees to carry a snake through a wide garden,
Past a sleeping swan, past the dead roses nailed
To the wall, past the small pond. And when
I looked up the bees and the snake were gone,
But the garden smelled of broken fruit, and across
the grass a shadow lay for which there was no source,
A narrow plinth dividing the garden, and the air
Was like the air after a fire, or before a storm,
Ungodly still, but full of shapes turning.

missing the Good Doctor hard right now

This is not what Richard Nixon had in mind when he said, last August, that the 1972 presidential election would offer voters “the clearest choice of this century.” but on a level he will never understand he was probably right…and it is Nixon himself who represents that dark, venal, and incurably violent side of the American character almost every other country in the world has learned to fear and despise. Our Barbie doll President, with his Barbie doll wife and his box-full of Barbie doll children is also America’s answer to the monstrous Mr. Hyde. He speaks for the Werewolf in us; the bully, the predatory shyster who turns into something unspeakable, full of claws and bleeding string-warts, on night when the moon comes to close…

Dr. Hunter Thompson, Fear And Loathing: On The Campaign Trail ‘72
Happy Birthday To My Darling Veterinarian

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Oh hi! Waddaya mean I don't fit?

sugar cookies with lime zest and basil

there is stress in being a home owner slash landlord during a major storm especially when you have two houses to worry about and this awful rental of course sprang a leak yesterday in my son's room under his window and I fixed it with that black rubber crap that is advertised on the ghost channels where the guy dumps it in the bottom of his boat and cruises happily and safely through the alligator infested Everglades the stuff works and that black looks striking against the white wall and I know no way would the slumlord fix it before summer if I called him he hasn't fixed anything he didn't even fix the roof Bubba&Bubba just put crappy shingles on top of the leaky shingles obviously

home owner stress is nothing NOTHING compared to stress caused by worrying about not having enough food or having your electricity shut off because you had to choose food over paying the bill which happened enough times enough times to make the idea of it sad but distant and now that I have my pension I don't have to wonder why I couldn't afford this city even as I worked four jobs at a time (it is the city itself Seattle is as expensive as San Francisco now almost as expensive as NYC)

soon I will take my leave

45 days
45 days
45 days

dance dance revolution

I'm ready to pack one more box of books but Little Bear is on my bed and he gets freaked out by the boxes no idea why I don't want to know why but he has had enough fear in his life enough enough once he moves to The Surfer's bed I'll get going Little Bear is an equal opportunity cat loves both the boy and me equally wataburgerbear

going to the beach to see how many alders committed suicide
I am guessing Summer's End withstood the storm with no worries since I have not received mail from the people who are squatting still living there for 45 more days

right now I'm listening to the Beatles and dancing around like a fool and I'm so happy

There is no love that does not pierce the hands and feet.
~ Jeanette Winterson

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Bob Dylan


Way to go Mr. Zimmerman.

I love you.

all these years I believed I had nothing and now I am amazed at the library I have amassed it is incredible to me even as I have lived in it for so many years and every week I donate books or put them in the Little Library down the street or take them to the actual library I cull books constantly but my permanent collection continues to grow books I will read again art books philosophy books poetry novels history biographies childrens books YA books theory it's staggering it really is and now my back is groaning from moving boxes from my room into the living room and I've only cleared the top shelf

I say it's time for falafel best get out my wee boat on account of the storm which is not kidding around buster

mockingbird wish me luck!
Dear 100% Full Moon,

I apologize for ignoring you the past three or so months. I have been so happy and busy that you've not been able to crack me and now today it's raining so hard that I can't see you so there.

Your Not Friend,


my big plan for today that doesn't involve sugar or packing tape is to go to the falafel food truck at eleven for elevenses

every day I remember that last year at this time most of my food came from the food bank I will never forget I will never take anything for granted ever
yesterday I baked a sweet potato garnet yam pie and dared the power to go out though it did not and today I'm thinking I'd like to bake sugar cookies with lime zest and basil because I have limes and basil but I have packed up my cookbooks and my recipe is somewhere under the Tower Of Boxes that line the walls of this house we are in a giant storm and baking is a way to stay warm since I rather refuse to turn the heat on in this horrible house I believe there is black mold under the carpet the carpet the slumlord refused to replace when he refinanced the house last summer even though the bank told him to do so instead I continue to pack up my closet which has been the easiest packing job so far because I cleaned it last year and discarded the things I no longer needed now there are board games piled up in the living room and art supplies and my novel Bunny which is hand-written in 60 8"X11" spiral yellow graph paper notebooks and my complete Zap Comix collection which I just now realized is worth quite a pretty penny and sheet music (tons of it) and my Whole Earth Review collection and my copy of the original Whole Earth Catalog and even more art books

my mind is mostly taken up with packing and other moving activities and I am so happy and busy and happy being busy and incredibly organized and every day I go to my beach to say goodbye and every day I purge and donate and move boxes into the living room my base of operations I am so excited

today is my darling friend Alice's birthday

Good morning Darklings and thank you and love

ps. HA! grateful that I obsessively scan everything

100% full

This is the Alice's Bristle and Quill moon

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

A nock is the notch on the end of an arrow. Nock Tower is something akin to this but has nothing to do with it. I heard a surfer died in the sea today but I don't have any details about it. NOCK TOWER is spray painted in huge white block letters under the freeway the place the police call The Jungle. The place so dangerous not even the police will go down there. The place where ghost people appear from or disappear into ghost people I am always seeing with hoodies pulled over their faces walking sometimes on the freeway shoulder or sometimes walking into the greenbelt.  I’m constantly writing about secrets. My own and Henry Darger's. When I was homeless I found the fastest ways to hide. I was swift and lean with cracked skin and knotted hair. Winters in Spokane were punishing and some nights I'd find a man to take me to a hotel where I would fuck him for money and if I got lucky for dinner and maybe a shower. And still I was safer than I was in my mother's house. Those hotel rooms in a frozen winter were my Nock Tower. Horrible and firmly clicked in place as I drew my bow (and I did.) I did. I did.

I pray to the Animal Gods for my safety and yours.

Sunday, October 9, 2016


Put kale chips on your pasta.

Thank you, no.
because the Angels of Oblivion didn't put their finger on me

Before and After

Little Bear before:

And after:

three months
Happy Birthday John. I miss you so bad.
I need to be off The Dreaded Social Media for now (except for my blog family)
all my alarm bells are bonging
it's horrific
every mention of him makes me shudder and I can't take it anymore
I will vote when the time comes but that's it
what a nasty election season
how embarrassing for this country
and this is my last word on it

*note the disheveled pile of cat food cans in the upper right corner apparently their kitty fingers are not equipped to open pop-top cans

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Little Bear now weighs 16 pounds!!!
I believe I have inadvertently packed a poblano pepper and I have no idea which box it got into I suppose it will tell me eventually it's cold enough in here that it should be okay

for now

I went to the farmers market where I bought four garnet yams and a prayer flag with huge ravens screen printed on each flag for Summer's End then I went to Green Leaf at the Asian Superstore (which I will miss greatly when I move!) where I had a vegetarian banh mi and about thirty thousand cups of green tea the banh mi burned my lips with its hot peppers and sweet deliciousness and fragrant and warm and crisp-on-the-outside-soft-on-the-inside French roll and the green tea left me shaking and now I am home and I just packed my dragon teapot and dragon teacups and dragon bowls because it made sense in the largeness of my world my world prying itself open and the yams are in the oven and they smell like pumpkin pie and I am filled with such intense joy that it feels like madness but it is not it is simply that

the wind came up high and smashed the boats and the sinners on the rocks and I rocked in my bed praying to the Animal Gods that no trees fall no windows shatter I am not even inhabiting this house in my head I am already in Summer's End in my head where nothing leaks and the fireplace not only works it's clean (propane) and won't hurt my scarred lungs this morning I packed all the clothes in my closet into my hope chest from which I unpacked all my hope wrapped all my hope in grocery store fliers and repacked that hope into tidy little manageable boxes wrapped in color coded tape including tape reading FRAGILE and OPEN FIRST and since I cleaned out my closet a couple years ago it's pretty much a go easy peasy and time creaks away and zips seriously fucking away so fast I can barely breathe ZIPPSSSSSSSSSSSSS

slow packing is so much better than frantic packing I have never moved without panic without frantic packing without fear I am so organized now I feel possessed by Martha Stewart

boxes are piling up up up I keep my curtains closed now out of the fear of criminals who inhabit these streets because it looks serious in here it looks like ripe pickings

in other news my son bought me a gigantic black pea coat at the Army Navy Surplus Store in Tacoma it is three or four sizes too big but it is warm and I can use it as a sleeping bag if need be it will be good to toss in the mud room at Summer's End and anyone of any size who wants to go out into the forest can wear it

a mud room!


53 days
53 days
53 days

this is going to be the funnest December of my life

(I know it isn't a word)


I have an idea for Summer's End

I'd like to open a retreat for women writers and artists who have been injured in any way physically mentally spiritually or maybe just tired women! I'd like to make Summer's End a safe place for women writers and artists one at a time for a week or two weeks the house is so big I could easily make myself scarce hellsbells I've had a lifetime of making myself scarce and she/they could wander through the woods have free access to the kitchen all the food they want all of it 100% free of course except for transportation to Seattle by air or train or bus or whatever this is what I'd like it's been on my mind lately a lot enough that my bells are ringing ringing out loud and clear my head is a bell


I think I'll go for a walk at the farmers market then come home and make a cheese souffle

Happy Saturday Darklings
love from the Wild West

Thursday, October 6, 2016

this whole thing with the Creepy Clowns just makes me laugh because

1. clowns are inherently creepy and mean and everyone has always known this and
2. this election

also if I find anyone looking into any of my windows I'm going after them with my heavy heavy baseball bat clown or no clown
the piano is gone
and a piece of my history that I am glad to let go of is gone with it
I had a terrible panic attack what with the piano movers arriving waiting for them moving stuff around so they could get in and out easily but mostly just STRANGERS
or anyone
I don't do so well with anyone not really and after they took the piano and I paid them and followed them to the Goodwill and came home this house still looked small as small as ever
Little Bear and The Evil Orlando played yesterday played together I mean as a team for the first time neither one of them seems concerned with this place disappearing then reappearing all boxed up I think they long only for a tree and ribbons to eat and that my friends will happen soon enough as I have concluded all my Christmas shopping

such a strange thing to type since I have not been able to afford an actual Christmas in so many many years I told my son not to open any boxes with his name on them and he asked will they have wrapping paper on them and ribbons

he's been so patient and kind in letting Christmas go for all those dry awful years yes I told him yes


so far I have packed my summer clothes my fancypants dishes all my art books all my childrens and YA books all my cookbooks the contents of my roll top desk the contents of my cedar chest and everything that lived on top of the piano and all the tchotchkes that lived on my bookshelves

last night my ulcers woke up and screamed and screamed and screamed

it was the moving of the giant piano that got me going and the men and the constant moving forward no rest none at all and very little sleep

it's cold and raining here the way it's supposed to be

I'm hungry but I'm afraid to eat

I'm sorry these posts have been so boring Darklings my creative brain seems to have been swallowed up by the move

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Someone who knew Barbara Loden well told me: "She said it is easy to be avant-garde but it is really difficult to tell a simple story well."
~ Nathalie Leger, Suite for Barbara Loden

and that's the nut of it right there
my son just got home informed me that a bowl of marinara with nothing didn't count as breakfast then he dirtied every dish in my immaculate kitchen making omelettes and hash browns for us not to mention a third pot of coffee then he haphazardly Tetrissed™ all my carefully packed and stacked boxes into the north wing (hahahaha he just moved everything over about three feet) paying no heed whatsoever to the RED FRAGILE tape on most of them tossing things hither and thither (I packed my fancy dishes first) so the guy will have room to navigate the piano out but now I don't know where anything is and I may never know where anything is again but for my anal scribbling on every single box i.e. OCTOPLATES which are exactly what they sound like and etc then he proceeded to chide me on my style of packing which is to pack the stuff I need not at all first then pack the stuff I need the most last he wants to pack room by room but that doesn't make sense to me everything will make a lot more sense once I get the keys in my hot little hand

exactly what it sounds like
I've had the set for years but I only use them on holidays


I figure with some bubble wrap The Evil Orlando will fit perfectly in my canning kettle

*spacial genius
*kitty should have given me loves

p.s. Preeeciousssssss

Little Bear

Serial No. 11152

yesterday I went to the bank to get a new debit card because the card they sent me disappeared from my mailbox which is no surprise then I went to the Duck Blood store for a honeydew melon and some raspberries and some mangoes for salad then I went to the marijuana store for sleep meds then I got a manicure then I came home and made a marinara out of the end of the season's tomatoes and the marinara is still simmering on the black monster then I packed all the stuff that my piano had been collecting all these years then I put a bunch of stuff in the recycling bin and tripped over an errant huge root and sprained my knee

what fuck

then I got down to the dirty business of giving away my sweet mahogany beauty did you know that mahogany was historically plantation-grown ? and is now commercially extinct ? I knew and I tried to tell the woman from the opera association who was thinking about taking the piano for the instruments in the schools program but she decided that because the piano was built in 1900 that it is too old she told me that pianos lose their value over the years like cars that a piano over 30 year old is considered ruined

I did not call her an idiot nor did I mention the '57 Chevy in my garage or my violin which was built before 1900 and is superb and sounds deeper and richer every year

I called two other places who did not want the piano then I called Goodwills all over town and finally found one that will take her then I called a piano mover to do the job and he will be here on Wednesday to pick her up and take her right down the street for a pretty price

it breaks my heart but I haven't played her in at least three years and that Darklings is a crime

once the piano is moved I'll be able to pack up my books and put them in the space that will be vacated by the piano which is huge

all this
all this
all this

each night I dream of moving and all the dreams are so good

each morning I wake and I think in less than eight weeks I'll be waking up in a cozy warm house
as I shiver under every blanket in this drafty craptastic house not to mention a gigantic purring cat stretched out on my hip like a car engine

this move it is stressful but good stressful

Saturday, October 1, 2016

I have packed everything that I can meaning I have run out of room in my tiny house for the boxes which are stacked all about I cleaned off the piano and today I'm going to take photographs of it to send to the piano people to see if they want it if so they will come pick it up it is such a gorgeous instrument but it needs a home where it will be loved

after the manic phase passed I fell into a severe depression that only lasted a few days THANK THE ANIMAL GODS and now I am normal


if you read that and laughed I will send you a prize

this moving thing gets harder the older I get
it used to be easy
what the hell was I thinking

also I bought a below knee length pink wool coat it is pale and gorgeous with a thick belt and deep pockets and heavy and heavenly
The Surfer made fun of me he said it's no good for the forest does he think I'm going to garden in it?

I have not had a coat a new warm winter coat since 1968 I have been wearing sweaters every winter since then because coats were too expensive this pink coat was way too expensive it's so pretty I may not wear it

I'm going to the farmers market because I've been living on tomato and mayo sandwiches and I'm out of tomatoes

Good October Darklings!

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

my head is getting better though it is still full with all the floating bits of gore and the fact that I need to keep moving keep packing keep looking forward my body is getting better too I had a terrible time with the Seroquel again this time edema in both my calves and feet so bad I couldn't even walk extremely painful and what the hell? I saw DOGNURSE and told her I feel that her accountant should please take care of the gigantic bill that is outstanding since January 1 when I swapped out of Medicaid for Medicare she said I don't take Medicaid! and I said you told me you were signing up to take it and the state has you listed as a Medicaid provider

and she sat there with her stupid mouth hanging open

I gave her a check  for $300 I've been giving her $40 every time I go and I just found out that I only have to pay an $18 copay with Medicare


I have to eventually pay her because she will take me to collection and right now is not a good time to try to find a new psychiatrist what with the move and the crazy ugh ugh ugh

in other news I've been to Tacoma twice this week and I found this today in a quiet industrial area of the city

it just popped up out of nowhere seriously how cool is that?

I cleaned out both the side tables that hold my printer and my computer they are just regulation mismatched bedside tables that I will not be taking with me as I plan on getting an actual grownup desk for my library! I put lots of stuff in my toolbox and threw the rest away except for this which is a photo of me in Big Sur in 1975 and I can tell you what I was reading it was Dhalgren and it had just been published

I thought I was 100% mentally healthy when I drove to the farmers market Sunday except when I got in my car (gas light golden and all I had was a five dollar bill damp with the remnants of a blueberry shake I made for myself with vanilla ice cream and freezer jam) I felt like a wee rolly thing I felt like a marble rolling around in a train not quite not quite

not quite right

not yet
not yet

my son still has my debit card

I am still on parole


so much to do and no brain with which to do it

Sunday, September 25, 2016

I've been dancing this morning. Real dancing. I am getting my fire back.
Last night knives bloomed like lights in my hand. I chopped two gallons of fresh-picked tomatoes and peppers and onions and cilantro I chopped until my wrist ached and all that was left were angry horns bones in the arena and Rome’s burning walls. I chopped as intent as a woman bent in a potato field bent as a hen stopped at her chalk line  as fortune exploded the earth. I am responsible for the battles I fight for alien faces I have not seen for immaculate issue and the damp hidden places underneath the streets. Last night I was an occupied country and knives my mortar one easy whistle from fruit to jar. When I am in the kitchen I live forever I am a day of bees serpentined over complicated grass. I stood in tomato juice like the blood of generals until my eyes became opaque and I ran out of jars. I froze six quarts of pico de gallo. I canned six quarts of peeled and roasted tomato comfit with sliver thin sliced garlic and bright red bird peppers and olive oil. I made marinara enough for an army or my own shrive winter. I sterilized jars and burned the top of my hand. I will stuff my puffed angry nostrils back into my stupid head and summon the Animal Gods the cat under the bed the fly on the ceiling the frog in the marram grass. I will stand on marble steps in my navy blue nurse cape and starched white cap or I will stand on sand or in a salt cave or ankle deep in the mud tides. I will tell you all I love you. I love you. I don't know what else to do.

Good morning Darklings. I have been gone far and wide and far. I have been lost inside my own head. It might be a good day. Hello hello. I’ve missed you.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

not quite right
today I found the tearful dishwasher and kay dub on instagram I didn't know they were there I am following them now until they unfriend me or somehow block me

I have lost both of them here which makes my soul my very dark soul ache and also makes me feel like I am a BAD PERSON

and now tears because I am more sensitive than I normally am which is pretty fucking sensitive to begin with
Misery of the broken pie bird

I knew if I held the queen bee in my mouth
I'd be stung and I did and I was

let's talk about the weather
he was Leni Riefenstahl with a camera

I was the German girl who baked 
clapping my hands as flour flumed up

did a swarm of bees fly
into his mouth was he stung 

happiness permeated the house by the rail
road tracks cedar stink creosote

caked gumboots the washing machine
groaned as embers flew down the chute

under his collar burning
I married a man who worked the mines

in Kellogg Idaho star-shaped coke scars
marked territory on his neck his back

he whipped me a gift like breaking a horse
such graceful devastation

I think I'm back
I gained seven pounds in as many days ugh ugh the dreaded Seroquel ugh
not tonight not going to take it tonight nope no and no
I think my brain is actually working I woke happy and noisy instead of numb or spinning

I am still packing
in fact the contract reads that the occupants of my house will move out on or before Nov. 30 and I did a Tarot reading a while back that told me October so it is wise for me to keep moving

Monday is DOGNURSE day triple ugh and after that The Surfer and I are taking the ottoman and the little sofa Alice gave us to the Goodwill with Alice's blessings of course then I have a company to call to come take the piano the company is called The Society of Unique Artists and I know they will love this piano they move it and everything and then I will have room in here to begin packing up my books which is going to be the most difficult part of this move and moving the sofa and piano is the only way I have room to put my boxes of books

hilariously all my clothes fit into my little wheelie suitcase including my mango swimsuit

I went to Ace Hardware my second favorite store in the world and bought some canning jars and my son looked at them and said we have to get rid of all these canning jars and I corrected him because I will have my garden back and I plan on canning my way through next summer into next winter although

we are no longer going to use canning jars from which to drink I've done it for years because I was too poor to own matching glasses and I am so tired of being that poor and so I bought a set of glasses actual real glasses four of each from my favorite store in the world and they look like this 4 tumblers and four highball glasses

they have heft they have weight and feel good in my hands and yes they are pink and gold and I could bean a raccoon in the head with one if need be with one of them

apparently raccoons are the only crime happening on my island except for the young and gorgeous police officers who are all seriously friendly and freely tattooed and all I've seen them do is stand on the street where construction is happening between my island (which you can cross onto by bridge!) and the little town before my island

I wish I could write something creative here I'm working up to it I am thank you all for bearing with me during this long night

Good Morning Darklings!

Sunday, September 4, 2016


I managed to fight through the Seroquel last night insomnia won which either means I have it bad or the Seroquel which I first got on September 7 2014 has lost its potency which I think is the truth so I had to call DOGNURSE to request a new prescription which will set her wee dog whistle brain on high and she'll call and want to see me right away my paranoid brain and my regulation brain tell me she's just curious about what manic looks like because I already know what she's going to say take the Seroquel

odd that I got the prescription filled on September 7th since it is almost September 7th and if I had my wits about me hahaha I'd go through my archives and see if my mania is seasonal but my wits are no where to be found for instance I had to go through and spell check over half the words in this post and I know for a fact There Are No Triggers and this is one of my favorite months

2. my house deed or title or whatever you call the big bunch of papers that escrow sends when everything around the sale of a house simmers down arrived in yesterday's mail along with a check for $35 because I apparently overpaid escrow which is their fault and I wish I understood the papers maybe Alice will explain them to me when she gets here in November

C. I had an omelette with brand new eggs and a ripe purple heirloom tomato and garden fresh scallions in it for breakfast this is remarkable only in that I rarely eat eggs in their eggy form because they slosh around dangerously in my stomach as they are doing right this very second

4. I had to tell my son this morning that I'm manic and hand over my debit/credit card to him for the duration which is the deal I made with the Johnny Cash Psychiatrist and my son years ago it was awful and shameful but my son already knew he said I know and I asked how and he said you bought that green sweater and it's true I bought that green sweater I don't know why I think I'm moving to the frozen north actually it is a temperate zone still yeah neither one of us is used to me buying anything at all except the very strict necessities

that's it from here
Sunday and all the mad dogs are loose

Saturday, September 3, 2016

rapid descent

it turns out I am indeed manic
I finally figured it out after two? three? weeks of not being able to sleep
and fasterthanlightspeech
and buying things I don't really need when there are things I really do need that I have ignored
odd behavior like launching my cookie sheet into the yard and flirting hard serious flirting with Todd at the grocery store
watching Nora Ephron films and crying

my particular brand of bipolar has no triggers it just grabs me by the throat Bipolar 1 officially so it doesn't matter how great my life is right now and it is pretty great it is fantastically great but that doesn't cancel out my mental illness

and this morning I went to the farmers market and was completely gobsmacked by the colors much like being on LSD without the fun my eyebulbs exploding with oranges reds yellows greens I bought orange and purple and yellow carrots and baby zucchini and tiny red and orange beets and green and blue and brown and pale speckled eggs
like that
but not fun

I dug my Seroquel OH MOST HATED OF ALL MY MEDS out of my drawer the bottom drawer where I hid them the wretched pills that I still have to quarter in order to function and put the bottle on my dresser for tonight a snake ready to strike leaving me leaden thick and thirsty
and stupid

if you don't hear from me for a few days its because I'm underneath the dreaded iron lid

thanks to the Animal Gods that I can still recognize it in myself in time


Summer's last hurrah

I know Labor Day isn't  really meant to honor women like me a factory girl who worked my entire life waiting tables scalding my arms on deep friers washing dishes (though I did this with my brother and it was fun sending baked potatoes back and forth to each other through that long horseshoe shaped machine) wiping the asses of the elderly falling in love with the elderly learning how the elderly die and helping them going home with pee-stained shoes and being so tired I showered in my white polyester/nylon/orlon uniform soldering tiny circuit boards with the smell of flux going acid into my nose my lungs clipping the legs off capacitors and diodes measure measure they must be EXACT hurry hurry being pushed being watched being pushed middle management creeps grabbing my ass middle management creeps looking down my shirt middle management making my life hell their tiny power their joy in busting me for stopping to breathe building wire bundles for airplanes crawling around inside airplane engines to install the wire bundles lying on my belly in the fuselages of 777s to pick tiny pieces of FOD off the bottoms of brand new planes riveting airplane wings until the tendons and ligaments in my thumbs literally broke getting my thumbs surgically rebuilt physical therapy riding bicycles through the factory from one end to the other with little radios attached to the baskets (pre-iPod you understand)  smoking in the parking lot at dawn steel toed boots coveralls clippers and zip-ties and needle nose pliers tool and cut dies and typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing and the GODDAMNED ALMIGHTY RELIGIOUS ACT OF PUNCHING THE TIME CARD AT THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND. Nope this is not what Labor Day is really about. It's about barbecues and families and boats and loud drunken gatherings and being horrible and zealous and greedy and angry in grocery stores pushing over-filled shopping carts into the tender ankles of women who hate to shop who have panic attacks just entering a grocery store and no! Wait just a damned minute. It is about women like me factory girls with zero education. I'll be fucked. I love you all each and every one of you. That's right. Carry on.
this craptastic house is shrinking in the very best possible way but I'm going to keep packing until I run out of room I'm going to keep packing until I have only a path to the bathroom and a path to the kitchen it may seem early to you (it certainly seems too early to my son who thinks we can breeze out of here in a weekend but he doesn't understand the physicality of books and I am wealthy with books)

and joy

yellow tape for the kitchen green tape for my bedroom orange tape for the living room pale blue tape for the bathrooms etc MAGIK!!!

Friday, September 2, 2016

I just sailed a dead cookie sheet out the backdoor into the back yard

old house
new rules

I win.
The Surfer is home from the orchard with the first of his apples and I'm going to bake a pie.
there is much I want to write about my visit to One World Trade Center and my son took many amazing photographs there but this is my favorite the officer on the far left told the officer on the far right Put on your hat! when The Surfer asked if he could take a photo of them I love all of their expressions here their goodness their sweetness their brave

I've been busy tying up the loose ends of the house buying process which included the sellers' fixing the roof (I insisted -- this roof business is personal and was the only thing the inspection turned up) then they needed a few more days and a few more shingles so an extension was made for two days then another extension was made for the end of the month which was two more days and with each extension came more groups of papers to sign more waiting because I knew that at any moment they could decide not to sell until that last bit of paperwork was signed and I received more papers proving that the roof work was done and sound and the escrow company closed everything

I'm an escrow expert now though a month ago I could not have even

it's raining here in Seattle it sounds so pretty and I have been packing I have ten large boxes in front of the piano ready to go ready to go ready to go

December has never seemed so close nor so far away and I've already run out of room for boxes marked kitchen bedroom bathroom and library though the only thing I've packed yet for the library is my little travel bag with my Christmas cards and address books in it

if I have your address I'm sending you a Christmas card if you want a Christmas card from me and you think I may not have your address let me know

I have not sent Christmas cards in hundreds of years though I have bought them and given them away somewhat altered as Valentines

actually I don't believe I have ever in my life sent out Christmas cards not ever so this is a Rebecca First and I'm so excited all around

good morning Darklings if you have it in you say a prayer for our east coast and Florida friends be safe!

Monday, August 29, 2016


At times my life suddenly opens its eyes in the dark.
A feeling of masses of people pushing blindly
through the streets, excitedly, toward some miracle,
while I remain here and no one sees me.

It is like the child who falls asleep in terror
listening to the heavy thumps of his heart.
For a long, long time till morning puts his light in the locks
and the doors of darkness open.

 - Tomas Tranströmer

Sunday, August 28, 2016

at this time last year I was extremely manic I should not have gone back and read my archives now my paranoia has click-locked firmly into place I fear the crazy right now while every step is so vital I can't cannot cannot cannot fall back into its tentacles oh please no
A Rabbit As King Of The Ghosts
~Wallace Stevens

The difficulty to think at the end of day,
When the shapeless shadow covers the sun
And nothing is left except light on your fur—

There was the cat slopping its milk all day,
Fat cat, red tongue, green mind, white milk
And August the most peaceful month.

To be, in the grass, in the peacefullest time,
Without that monument of cat,
The cat forgotten in the moon;

And to feel that the light is a rabbit-light,
In which everything is meant for you
And nothing need be explained;

Then there is nothing to think of. It comes of itself;
And east rushes west and west rushes down,
No matter. The grass is full

And full of yourself. The trees around are for you,
The whole of the wideness of night is for you,
A self that touches all edges,

You become a self that fills the four corners of night.
The red cat hides away in the fur-light
And there you are humped high, humped up,

You are humped higher and higher, black as stone—
You sit with your head like a carving in space
And the little green cat is a bug in the grass.
I have been shopping and when I shop as in when I spend money on things I don't 100% need to survive like food and toilet paper I always feel terrible guilt first and then second I fear I am manic because that three year terrifying period of mania after I lost my job at M$ involved a lot a LOT of weird unnecessary spending on my part via credit card[s] and it took me fourteen years to pay off that weird unnecessary credit card debt and the mania and loss of all income and fear and the never-ending stream of horrible temp jobs that paid $6 an hour with zero benefits brought me low

this morning I bought a new KitchenAid mixer because mine that is thirty years old finally bit the dust a couple months ago when I was mixing something innocuous (I think it was Mary's 1234 cake) it seized up and crashed to the floor and the cake was lost and last month I tried to spin some egg whites and only one speed SLOW works and I used that old KitchenAid mixer until its true death and it served me well so I bought a new one for Summer's End

and I felt fear all morning as I went about my business I worried am I manic am I getting sick again am I spiraling into debt-spending-terror what will be next hypersexuality? no sleep at all? losing as in misplacing all my money? phone calls? socializing? all those things I do when mania hits that I never do in real well medicated life except for the ongoing insomnia

then I remind myself that it's okay it's okay I need the fucking mixer and I have food and toilet paper and all those survival things now

it's okay

today I went to the farmers market where I bought a baby round of organic farmer cheese from Samish Bay which it turns out is very close to Summer's End


I also bought two giant Walla Walla sweet onions which made me miss the composer because he used to go to Walla Walla every summer and pick up a bag of those onions from people selling them on the side of the road and he'd bring them to me like strange bouquets of flowers

and I bought a half flat of extremely sweet almost gone strawberries summer's last I think I haven't been able to eat strawberries since I went into the hospital because they were the last things to "come up" if you catch my meaning (I'm bored with writing womit)

they taste incredible

and I ate a so-called po' boy from a NOLA food truck that was full of spicy delicious grilled vegetables but I'm sorry NOLA food truck your po' boy is nothing like an actual po' boy it is only a Seattle grilled vegetable sandwich with no likeness to NOLA anything AT ALL seriously you girls need to take a trip south

after that I walked up the stairs to the bookstore and the Honey Bear Bakery because I was missing the composer suddenly and I run into him there all the time or I used to


I am moving so close to where he lives!!!

enough of that

after all that I went to Dockside Cannibis to get my sleeping potion and as I was leaving I noticed a new Korean restaurant in that little strip mall and their sign was a white cartoon smiling squid with his tentacle around a fat pink smiling cartoon pig

disturbing and hilarious in equal measure

I have to go back and get a photo of that before it runs its course most businesses on Aurora are only there for six months

I gave a five dollar bill to a drunk man standing on the median at 145th and Aurora holding a sign that read FOOD and he said thank you then he saw my tattoos and screamed SELF MUTILATION IS SO OVER then he ran away into traffic hopefully to get something to eat at McDonalds or at least a cup of coffee

all is not roses in the city

and I'm still not tired

Bought myself a farm way out in the country took to growing lettuce milking cows and honey bought myself a farm

The Surfer left for the orchard this morning because the first crop of apples are ready for harvesting and with his leaving went my extreme tired

I did the dishes and scrubbed the kitchen and put on my dress and shoes so I can go to the farmers market and find some ripe fruit and last night I dreamed I dreamed I dreamed of moving my house a perfect happy dream that is true that became lucid with dawn and the shock that I slept for over ten hours

I have yet to unpack from my trip but I didn't pack much in the first place and ended up wearing my two dresses with pockets pretty much all of the time and I'd like to take a moment here to comment on how gorgeous the people of Manhattan are I mean jaw dropping gorgeous all of them coming back to Seattle felt like entering shrub county USA the white trash town in which I was born

I have to get a move on but I'll be back until then I'll leave you with this beloved song by The Jefferson Airplane

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Today for the very first time in ever Little Bear came out to the living room while I was watching the 2006 remake of The Omen and demanded that I lift him up onto my lap for some kitty love. He still cannot jump and probably will never jump and he is too huge as in tall (he's still skinny as hell but he has a pot belly now!) to fit on my lap but he put his back legs on my back legs and his paws on my chest where he kneaded and kneaded and kneaded and I began to lactate so kneaded were my perkies. Not really. But I am full of love holes. He stayed there purring for over an hour until The Evil Orlando came out got jealous jumped up on the coffee table declared her everlasting adoration of me the liar and hissed at Little Bear who slooped off my lap and loped away into my room. His gait is awkward and gorgeous. I felt so honored that Little Bear would make the long trek from my room to the next room. He is going to be outstanding in his new house!

The remake of The Omen is exactly the same as the original The Omen frame by frame. Only the music is different (but excellent) and the whickwhickwhicking of giant bat wings in the distance sound that used to be Damien's leitmotif was taken out which kind of made me sad because I always used that noise around The Surfer when he was being naughty. Other than that it was thoroughly enjoyable and the addition of Mia Farrow as the Satanic nanny was brilliant and of course meta.

Meta is such a literary hipster term that I am rather ashamed I used it but there you go.

I had to drive to the fake fake doctor nurse this morning to give more blood because I believe she totally fucked up my thyroid meds. My thyroid has not worked for 30 years and I've taken the same wee amount of levothyroxine for 30 years with perfect results and she ups and decides to increase it by half. Dumbass. I think this may be the reason I've been so tired the past few weeks. I have never been this tired ever in my life and yes I have had a lot going on but I've always been an extremely high energy person. Now I can barely turn over in bed.

On my way to fake fake doctor nurse I passed The Junction which is now a coffee shop inhabited by the people who use the methadone clinic on Wednesdays and Saturdays. I always see the inhabitants lolling about outside. I think they hold AA and NA meetings there at least I hope they do. The funny/not/funny thing about The Junction is that it used to be a strip club called Sugars and my friend Cathy St. Augustine used to be a dancer there and she told me that the owner kept paying the girls in cocaine instead of money to keep them there to keep the drugs rolling through the house. The last time I saw Cathy she had two black eyes and she gave me her childrens' birth certificates because she was afraid that someone was going to kill her. I still have them. This was when The Surfer was just six months old.

The reason I can spot the methadone clinics and inhabitants when I see them is because when I was first divorced and lived in Rat City aka West Seattle in the creepy duplex a girl named Candy and her boyfriend slash pimp slash biker named Gaylord moved into the apartment attached to mine. Candy and I became friends. She was a prostitute and worked part time as a maid for rich women and she'd steal their fancy shoes then return them to Nordstrom for cash. Nordstrom was famous in those days for their easypeasy return policies. Every Saturday Candy had me drive her to this place so she could get something something I can't remember what I had to take her but I didn't mind. It took her a year to tell me I was taking her to get methadone. I never judged her for being a prostitute slash maid slash thief I don't know why she thought I'd judge her for being on methadone or anything else. Her father was a famous senator a big wig in Washington D.C. He still is. The last time I saw Candy she was begging on the freeway near my house when I drove home from the factory. We waved at each other then I never saw her again either.

SIDE NOTE: I will never judge you for any of your addictions. Never. Ever.

I am tired tired tired of this all of this darkness and crime and sadness and poverty and danger.

I can't wait for December.

Hello Darklings. It is Christmas in my head all the time now.


Friday, August 26, 2016

I have always found it rather gauche when people post photos of their meals in restaurants. Especially when I was hungry all the time. That being said here is a photo of the sour cream cheesecake with a fresh blueberry compote that I ate my first night in NY.

I bought this fairy door to place in my favorite tree in my forest once I discover it so the wee folk can come and go as they please and in case a child walks through the forest. Imagine your child-self finding such pure magic!

August sunset NYC

it's been a long time coming

listening to CS&N dancing and singing and making a mess of guacamole for The Surfer to take to a birthday party tonight

I am so happy I fear my spirit will fly right up and out of my body

"The Best Hot Dog in New York"
Photo by Page Loudon
yesterday I went to the Evergreen State Fair and I was so happy there I talked to chickens and geese and ducklings and beautiful white turkeys and bunnies and goats and sheep and I admired the canned goods and quilts and pies and I ate a Fisher Fair Scone and half a piroshky and I had a small glass of lemonade and a giant bottle of water and I walked through the barkers' tents and bought a gallon Tupperware bowl (this was thrilling I didn't even know they still made Tupperware!!!) but mostly I stayed with the horses because that is what I do

I got to the fair early right when the gates opened it was hot and the vendors were still setting up I saw a small boy with a dangerously pointed long stick with some kind of food on it and I asked him what it was and he said a yard of bacon  which it was quite literally I also saw a pile of curly fries bigger than my head and deep fried Twinkies and all manner of meats including kangaroo jerky

Good morning Darklings
I wasn't able to go to the fair last year as I couldn't afford to drive there and also my car wasn't working I felt so joyful yesterday as the people rivered in and the sun rose hot and high and I came home and packed one box then another box I'm stacking the boxes next to the piano

So far I have bought 4 towels for me and 4 towels for my son and one set of sheets for me I don't have a single sheet without holes

Soon soon soon oh I am excited tired still but I'm thinking now that my tired actually might be relaxed which I'm not at all used to

Onward and Upward!

Wednesday, August 24, 2016




Tuesday, August 23, 2016

after my weepy mess which alarmed Little Bear to the point of true animal panic and caused him to crawl on my belly and put his face against my face to find out what the heck was happening my son recanted and we went out to dinner to celebrate one of my life's biggest moments

I also bought three pillows for a sofa I don't own and Christmas cards for everyone I know and that means you and you and you

I feel amazing now and I'm trying to imagine what color sofa would go well with that deep blue carpet of course my first thought was black and white stripes but I don't really want a French interior I want a fishing cabin interior like my grandfather's boat house on Lake Pend Oreille in Idaho a look I adore in my weird way

for now pretend shopping and dreaming

and also massive belching and rolling about on the floor too much food too much goodness too much too much all in one day

good night Darklings!
It's done.

I told my son I really needed to celebrate and he doesn't get it.

This is what happens when you only have one friend in the meat world who lives near you and she ups and moves to Japan and you can't even call her because it's the middle of tomorrow night there.

And so I cried.

Why are you crying? he asked.

Because I need to celebrate and I have no one to celebrate with and you don't like Indian food and you don't want Mexican food and blah blah blah and etc.

My pancreas says JUST SAY NO TO ALCOHOL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE so it's up to me and so I put a sweater on over my dress and I'm here alone crying.

I hope part of it is relief. I have lived in horrible tiny shitty run-down rentals my life entire and on December first I will move into a place of beauty and tremendous nature. Maybe partly my tears and this terrible sadness is the giving up of my past letting go and mentally preparing to move on to a gold future.

Maybe it's just my fucking crazy.

Going to bed to cry some more which is no kind of celebration.

Leaving in 45 minutes to go buy me a house and a wee forest.
I can hardly breathe inside the joy of it.
When I get back I will be better.
Love to you my Darklings for sticking around for this crazy ride.

Monday, August 22, 2016

I bought a rare book plate from this man at Pageant Print Shop on 69 E. 4th in The Bowery. He had a rich melodious thickly accented voice and a wonderful personality. The Surfer took these photos of him looking for some original Gregorian chants to show me and then holding my plate but the man and I had an hour long conversation about all things NY including rent control and the fact that he desperately wants to be an actor and he described in detail how Woody Allen used his shop as a backdrop for the film Hannah and Her Sisters. The print of course is insect in nature and will be framed and hung in the library of my new house.

I am too tired to write much more. Our flight got delayed and we arrived home early this morning instead of at 9: PM. At one point I leaned forward and fell asleep and my tray was not in the upright and locked position and it fell on my face smashing my glasses into my nose but fortunately not blacking both my eyes as I am signing on my house tomorrow morning.

Love from Seattle.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Walking all around the East Village early this morning in light rain was incredible. The junkies and crazies the men sweeping the streets the women sweeping their stoops and beautiful people walking their dogs felt like home to me. Thanks to my uncle and my grandfather I believe I've walked over every inch of this city in the past 50 years. So far this neighborhood is my favorite as it was on 1969 when I spent a great deal of time there.

Love from Moishe's Kosher Bake Shop serving the most delicious pastries on the planet.

checking out at high noon I want to leave and I never want to leave this always happens at the end of the best trips anxious to see my animal family to finish all the stressful house business to get to my desk and start writing my memories of this week to eat my own cooking to have time to think we went back to St. Patrick's yesterday and there was a wedding just leaving the church as mass continued the organ booming to shake my bones

our cab driver swung by a street vendor who was selling little bags of mixed nuts then he gave me a bag and told me to eat them

our cab driver never spoke because he had his prayer beads in his mouth

our cab driver kept throwing his hands in the air when he wasn't honking

our cab driver told us what happened to him on 9-11 his brother died there

our cab driver was 23 years old and he dreams of moving to Seattle

there was a party on the roof across the street last night I woke at 4 this morning I'm surprised the party isn't still happening

yesterday I opened the door of the mini bar where I've been stashing fresh fruit that I've bought throughout the neighborhoods and the door came off in my hand and left a purplish bruise

yesterday I ate hummus from a place in Saint Marks Square that had the most incredible thinly sliced pickled turnips in it

I was blessed by a priest at One World Trade Center he simply held my hand and said Bless you child this is important

I bought a tacky Statue of Liberty with a clock in her stomach

I bought pastries at The Magnolia Bakery at Grand Central Station and gave them all to the remarkable staff here at The Standard

still vibrating from the reading at the KGB Bar I sure hope I get invited back to read again

this morning raw no makeup (I rarely wear makeup) at dawn after my blow out had a blow out whose eyes whose eyes are those pupils dilated with all I have seen

waiting for The  Surfer to wake so we can walk down the street for coffee and bagels at Ray's

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Good morning Darklings. I had such a tremendous day yesterday but I can't quite write about it as this city overwhelms me in the very most best ways

Of all the outstanding and amazing things that I saw yesterday the most remarkable and moving and emotional was looking across the KGB Bar and seeing Angella Lister. My heart flew up into my eyebulbs and I swooped down upon her and could not stop  hugging her. She is stunning and smart and gorgeous  the epitome of a true New Yorker -- self assured warm classy intense intelligent and lovely. I was so comfortable in her presence that I did not want to leave her side (I am never comfortable with anyone this is so rare) she is just purely human and loving and adorable.

I will write further on this but I'm just waking up with the moon Page has gone on a coffee run for us and I'm watching the yet unnamed moon float in the sky above the bridge. Though I will say without a shred of modesty that I made that reading mine in spite of my earlier fears and trepidation.

I love this city so damned much.

On to Grand Central Station this morning and then my wild adventure will unfold.

Friday, August 19, 2016

I have never been afraid to read. I am terrified about my reading tonight. I'm getting a blowout today at three. I have never had a blowout in my life. Except for in my car.

Thank you Paige concierge extraordinaire for making this journey so incredibly easy.

I went to One World Trade Center and wept and got blessed by a priest.

I am blessed.

The priests all of them have my number.

I love you Darklings.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

New York

I want to write about everything but for now i'm just soaking it in. I had the most amazing dinner last night but only slept three hours. I really never sleep here. Now it's warm and raining lightly and I'm watching the city wake up. I can see the Empire State Building and the Brooklyn Bridge from this room on the 17th floor with its floor to ceiling windows.

We took a walk through Little Tokyo last night and I bought a white linen dress and two Tibetan mala bracelets from an elderly man who told me that I love you can be the best mantra ever and then we talked about the money hum and I showed him my lotus tattoo and we talked about the meaning of the lotus. After when we were walking back to the hotel I gave some money to a very tall homeless man with one good eye and one eye covered with a cataract and he held my hand for a while and stared into the depth of my being for a long time then high fived me and I had to jump up to reach his hand and he hooted with pleasure or joy or both and I vibrated all night from the holy encounter.

Time for coffee if I can find some.
Good morning from the city of my dreams.

A crappy Kindle photo of the city right now from my soft downy bed.